Composition (EN): ENGL 2010 -
Intermediate Writing
Receptive for the Sake of Others:
A reflection by Kate Rowan
6/12/2020
Magazine seen here: https://receptiveutah.blogspot.com/
This class is my first college course in over 10 years. To say I feel rusty is an understatement: I was overwhelmed for many weeks, feeling like everything I wrote was clunky and miserable. I think I write almost exclusively from Pathos, as I feel so much when I write. Learning to put my emotions aside was very difficult for me...so naturally I chose a subject that comes from a place of deep emotion. {insert sarcasm here} I tried hard to keep a balance between info and emotion. Some pieces are more successful than others, but again, this is highly emotional thing, so carrying that emotion through my words is important.
My individual pieces feel odd when read apart now, since they've all been joined together in one location in my magazine. They fit together, I think. You can always feel my emotions in all my words, but I did try to come to a place of saying "This happens. You may not understand it, but there are people out there who feel this deeply." I didn’t foresee this effect when I began writing them. I did battle this feeling that they felt disjointed, and unfinished…until I put them all together in the magazine.
All of what I wrote in Let Love Grow was meant as a bit of a tribute to my husband, as well as the people who I have loved that have endured powerful changes in leaving the LDS Church. They are my superheroes. They challenge the patriarchy every day. That battle is downplayed every day all across Utah. One of my favorite lines from staunch churchgoers is "Well, they leave, but they can’t leave it alone!" No, they can’t. They're new people, reborn, and they're bad asses. They do, however, deserve peace and respect for their decisions, which is something they rarely get. I wrote You Are Not Alone because I have personally been with people who wanted to end it all because of the emotional trauma they have endured. No one should have to feel that way, especially from family members.
I watched all of these people from the outside. My own faith journey is so fluid that dogma just blows past me. I am unfettered by rules. I can, however, empathize with those who have to rebuild from the ground up. I find them fascinating in so many ways. I wrote Sometime When You Lose, You Win because I wanted others to know that there is light at the end of long, painful tunnels of faith deconstruction.
My ultimate reason for writing so much about ex-Mormons is that I love them. I really, really, do. I hope that this magazine shows that. My artwork, my words, my time spent all add up to a love letter to them. I feel that using narrative writing makes the most sense, because it’s all about understanding the journey someone goes though. I did learn a lot about using information and persuasion effects, but both of them are more difficult in my subject matter. I genuinely wanted to avoid persuasion, for the reason that I find LDS missionaries to be “persuasive”, and I hate that. I want people to read my words and think that they understand the experience a bit better by walking in the shoes of the subject. I don’t want to convince anyone to analyze the struggle. I want them to FEEL it. I want them to feel how hard it is to be an ex-Mormon.
In the beginning of all of these pieces, I seriously doubted my ability to convey my message, or even get people to want to read what I had. I have since changed my mind. Several of my classmates reached out personally, to say that what I’ve written has touched them, and they really appreciated my perspective. That means a lot to me. If all I do is get people to think about a different perspective, then I’m winning.
My favorite quote of all time is from the movie What Dreams May Come. “Sometimes when you win, you lose.” The reverse applies: Sometimes when you lose, you win. I think this explains the progression of my learning in this course. I think that I lost some of my fears, and I gained a newfound love of kind of writing I hadn’t experienced before. I also became really excited to receive feedback. I was terrified to let anyone read my writing before starting, so this was a definite win moment for me. I really crave honest criticism now. I want to know where my problem areas are, so I can make them better.
After the last 10 years off, I have craved more learning. I was somewhat terrified to get back into the routine of classes, but now I feel that the ball is rolling, and I ready to write more. I know I have potential.
I give thanks for this experience.
Notebook entry Week 5, 2d
I chose my sources because they were a bit of reinforcement to the piece, but I didn't write them into the piece, if you know what I mean. I left them for those explorers to find. My piece is a bit hot topic. It's meant to stir up feelings in people who are LDS. It's meant to challenge their thoughts about former members...and maybe challenge their thoughts about their own faith. Are they also on the fence?
One of my references is a website called the No Shame Movement. Its a site for sharing experiences of leaving behind Christianity, and conservative beliefs regarding sexuality. While my writing doesn't cover what happened to my profile person, it does mention purity culture in two word. That's intentional, because I think most readers will skim over it...but some won't. Some will see it as a red hot word, because they too have negatively experienced purity culture, and they have a story to tell as well. It hits home with certain people.
I know my piece wont be for everyone. That's the point. It's meant for people who have those thoughts in their heads, too. It's meant for those who are on the edge and need someone to relate to. So my references need to be subtle. If they were in your face, readers would be bombarded by too much.
Notebook entry: Week 4, 4g
A significant event, from the view of the oppressor:
"He's been influenced by Satan. Satan has corrupted his heart. Satan opened the door, and in came that woman. He's always had a weakness, and she has found it and exploited him."
She never breathes deeply, instead choosing to pant lightly. The top 1/8th of her lungs get air, and the rest starves her brain from any growth. Her tight permed curls have beads of sweat around the temple. Her undiagnosed diabetes is causing a spike to her blood sugar, and she feels rather terrible.
"My heart is racing, and its all because he's taken the road to hell. Why doesn't he listen to me? He would have been the bishop by now if he had just focused and not taken those classes at college. He went down a dangerous road, and look what came of it! He has betrayed his family and Christ.
She has no energy for discussion. Her ears are clogged by years of wordy doctrine. She wants to just be proud of her golden boy, the lofty Mormon bishop, the man who converted 86 people in Mexico! Where did that boy go??
"It would have been better if he had died when he was a baby. He never would have caused this kind of hard to me, and his grandparents. This will break their hearts. There is no hope left for him."
Notebook entry: Week 3, 8c
I have been following an LDS therapist on Instagram for some time. She writes posts that are really good, a lot of them pointed at members walking a mile in someone's shoes. I think she receives a lot of attention because she does a good job of being non-confrontational but also direct in her approach to showing people another point of view. She is constantly shared on both sides of the fence: Mormon and non-Mormon. It's interesting because that doesn't happen often, and I can see an opportunity to really connect both sides. The unfortunate thing is that she can't see the whole picture herself, being LDS, although she does the best job I've seen so far.
For myself, I struggle to keep a good midline view. I see such pain on one side, and naturally want to help them so much. For me, seeing the hardship that ex-Mormons have endured has broken me for seeing the Church in a good light. That's hard. I am an eternal skeptic now, always looking for a motive. I know that missionaries aren't out to get me, but sometimes it feels like it.
I don't know if I have a method of emulating this, but I certainly see a need for it within my own writing. Or maybe I don't. The best books seem to have a certain slant, don't they?
Notebook entry: Week 2, 5e
"How can the LDS Church balance their message against the decline in member numbers?"
My reasoning for this observational question is this: when someone leaves the LDS Church, they do so for their own reasons, but what they are usually painfully unaware of is the impact it will have on their rest of their lives. Usually, people will find that their family members will push back on their decision. In doing so, emotional trauma can erupt. Something that happens often is twice every year, the LDS Church will send out a message during their General Conference. It is common to include a talk directed at members that encourages them to reach out to former members and "bring them back to the fold". This means that many ex-Mormons will find themselves bombarded by well-intentioned family members pleading with them to keep their eternal family together.
This is incredibly painful. Religious beliefs aside, the Church is creating some really bad choices by asking Nagging Nancy to pester her son or daughter to death with soft threats about damning their eternal souls.